As a father of a two-year old it is distressing that the designers of toddler boys t-shirts are all addle brained monkeys packing a cliché thesaurus. "Daddy’s Little All Star," "Mommy’s Little Angel." Ugh! Are you kidding me.
When your child is first born, all of those tiny shirts that reference other family members are cute. The little sayings like, "Here comes trouble," are adorable. But, now that my son is two-years old, I’d like to dress him like real boy. Is that so much to ask?
Here are the Undefeated Daddy rules for toddler t-shirts.
- Do not use other family members to make cutesy t-shirts. Guess what, he’s his own person now, he isn’t "Daddy’s Little" anything.
- Not every shirt needs a big line graphic on it. Sure, a car shirt or a guitar shirt is a cool PART of a wardrobe, but your shirt lineup should have two or three of those and then some that just have cool patterns or graphics.
- Not every shirt has to have a number on it. Guess what? My kid is two. He doesn’t play any sports, and he sure as hell doesn’t play team sports. And, why in the world would their be a number on a shirt with dinosaurs on it? Am I supposed to buy this shirt because it makes him seem more like My Little All Star?
- Make your fake sports shirts realistic. We don’t want to pay $20 for a t-shirt that he’ll outgrow in six months. So, I understand not buying a license to print a real NFL team logo on a shirt, but for the love of all that is holy, at least make your fake team name shirts realistic. I doesn’t have to say Denver Broncos on it, but why in the world does it say, "Big City All Stars Football Team Superstar," with a big number in the middle? What the heck is that supposed to be? Big City All Stars with a number is good enough. We get it, it’s a generic sports shirt, don’t beat it into the ground.
- "Older" sayings and words on a t-shirt for toddlers isn’t funny. A t-shirt that says, "I’m kind of a big deal," could be funny. (Of course, you monkeys would insist on a giant Ron Burgundy picture to ruin any hope of coolness.) However, shirts that say things like, "Girls have cooties," or "When is my curfew," are just stupid. Again, a TWO-YEAR old. It isn’t funny now, and won’t be funny when he’s three or when he’s four.
- Class – Seriously, can you just make one shirt per lineup that has some class to it. Guess what? It will sell out while your, "Daddy’s Awesome Girl Cootie Inspector 24" shirt sits on the shelf at the discount store.
- Oh, and those "Property Of" t-shirts? They are funny, clever and cool ONLY if they say Something Athletic Department. If they say a person (or Grandma!) they are both insulting and dumb. Please stop it.
Who has a good idea where to get cool toddler t-shirts without big stupid graphics or big stupid sayings? I’d love to hear about it.